“JUST DO IT!” You can do this. I’m strong, and I love him, obviously I want to do this. I should be enjoying this but I am tingling all over. Pins and needles were never nice in your feet, how is this fun? This is just how everyone feels. It is nerves. He’s not looking at me, its okay he’s just caught up in the passion of it all. Is he pretending to want this? He’s getting impatient now. The only time he looks I see his face tense up and look at me blank as if he doesn’t recognise me. Will five minutes change it? Will I want to then? My ears are peeled for an excuse to stop. Shall I just try? How do I do this? I don’t want to mess up. What was that? Is someone home? No, he tells me to relax and moves even closer. What will happen if I won’t do it? I don’t think I want to. Does he? Is it just for his friends or the status? Oh just get it over with! His eyes are closed and I’m sure he’s not thinking about me. This is insane; I should be present in this moment for this is the moment all us girls treasure, yes?
But is this how I want my daughter to feel when the boy that she adores, asks her, drags her onto his body even after she muttered “I don’t want to”. She said no! She said no! She was too scared to say it to you, so she whispered it. You didn’t hear it and she knew that, she meant it that way. She didn’t want to disappoint, she didn’t want to be discarded. She knew you would never let her be this way for long. She knew she would have to suck it up and do it. She knew that even then. Even then it wouldn’t work. She wasn’t enough.
I feel numb; there is nothing else he can do. I must reply now, give him my answer. I’ll try, I have to. Pull the curtains; less light will make it less real, yes? I’ll pretend this is what I want. Get him excited, give him hope. But my heads not in it how does one even pretend? Can he not just love me without this? My mouth is dry, but I can’t stop again with another trivial excuse. I try not to look at his body, thinking he’ll call me something if I do. I’m intrigued, can I do this blind?
I feel disconnected from my body, as though this behaviour is not in my character. They don’t show this, am I not supposed to be thinking this? Or does everybody just ignore it. Just ‘lay back and think of….’ something else? Everyone, the media, they guide you through the lead up and leave you to suffer. It’s a trap, yes? Can I ask someone? Phone a friend or family? No, you can’t do that with this kind of thing. Everyone expects it to be exhilarating but I don’t understand. Am I meant to be breathless? If I do this, it’ll be my alter ego of trying to be what he wants and not me. The me that is so into this facade I paint for him that I can’t get past this canvas, it’s just frustration.
That’s why I couldn’t do it. So desperate for love and so many “you didn’t give in like most girls would have”. But I wanted to. I wanted to give him everything and more, I’d be happy for him to do anything to me as long as he loved me. The problem was that he didn’t and he wasn’t going to. If I let him do that then he’d be far away from me, involved with a girl I pretended to be. Not me.
It’s brave to say no. But I didn’t. I just stopped and appeased him with kisses until it was time to leave. That’s what I always did. More and more appeasement until it stopped working. He cracked me.
It’s brave to end it even then, yes? But I didn’t. He brought it up.
It’s strong to surrender to yourself. That I did. Caught up in tears and conversation of this coming to an end and I gave myself up to the little thought I had about my worth. About me! I loved him and he never loved me. Transcending that love to myself and sternly telling us both “It’s done”.
It’s forgotten. It never happened. You can’t talk about these types of things. You can say he tried and you said no. You can’t talk about these types of things. Essentially that’s how it ended but you can’t go into detail, you weren’t brave like they think you were. You can’t talk about these types of things. You were embarrassed. You are still feeling the shame. You can’t talk about these types of things. Learning how to own you and not needing his approval, or anyone’s. You can’t talk about these types of things
Be strong. Strong you can be when you have not been brave. Be strong. Strong you can be when you took note of a little thought, just by making it large. Be strong. Be truthful. It (didn’t) happened but is still forgotten. So move on.